It has been nearly 2 years since last time I was home, and 9 months since I last saw my family. This is far too long and I am very anxious for this coming weekend. My home is to stay focus of what is important and be thankful of what I have. This is going to be a precious time for both my family and I. This is an unusually short trip, but it is a trip that I need to have. With all that's going on back home, I am concerned, as a son and as a brother, about my family.

Besides my trip back home, I am also very anxious for my upcoming journey to Las Vegas and Chicago. Tis the season to be thankful. Tis the season to for reflection. I'll take this time to think, to reflect...

If you care to read on, ready on. Otherwise, skip it because this will prob'ly piss you off or make you mad. But if you DO read on, please do not skip a word.

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Separation led me to reflect. In the time of reflection, I learn a lot about myself. Giving, as a part of me, either to a single person or to a community, is part of what I do to show my belongingness, to show that I care. My thought is that if, by going an extra mile, can make the world a better place, why not? It sounds far too nice doesn't it?

Perhaps they are unrelated, but with me always sticking my nose in people's business, it has taken me to a whole new level of confusion. Am I being nice to people because I want to know what they are doing or am I doing it so that I know what's going on... the more I think, the more I don't want to find out... People don’t always appreciate what I do...

I'm doing too much. I will stop!

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I am not afraid of speaking what is in my mind. Having said that, I told my friends, "I have no problem pissing anybody off because I've got nothing to lose if other people truly know who I am and what I stand for." That is true to an extend. Ha... this is such an idiotic thought. Perhaps that's probably why people would call me "friend" in front of me but laughing at my behind my back. I expected that, ha... but never would I have thought that's coming from... what the fuck!

Work place is the real world, a place where people would step on you so that they can stand up. I know that!

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The whole fucking idea of being truthful to others was taught throughout my childhood. My parents would punish me if I lied, which I could understand the fact that I needed to be honest with what I've done. This is not a blame to anyone, but a realization of myself. This is totally related to earlier when I said about sticking my nose in people's business. If they don't want to see the truth themselves, hey guess what, LET ME HELP YA! Never have I known that this is coming from my fucking retartedness' that people would APPRECIATE knowing the truth.

The more of the truths that I tell those I care dearly, the more I realize that they don't appreciate even if they say they do... especially when it comes to sharing...

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Intelligent is a gift. Again, very much related to the whole shit about telling the truth. By saying what I know, even if I know what I don't, makes me such a fucking arrogant idiot. I see that a lot in my daily life. I know what I don't know yet I only show people what I DO know. That's very stupid of me!

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I'm greedy. I am selfish. I want it all; I want it all to be perfect. I want to invest in relationships, either friendships or a romantic relationship. Yet, if you don't want to invest with me, fine! Ha... I guess I just come to a realization of what I want...

I have far too much of the insufficiency to write about myself... but I need to stop because it begins to ache my heart...

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Despite all these shits, I do see something good about myself. At the very least, my love to all my friends, family, and the person that I'm with, is genuine, is true. I will remain to love you even if you don't love me back as a return. Yes it is painful, but isn't that what love is supposed to mean, to show care and continuous support to the person without any obligation or entitle to any return?

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There are far too much I want to write...But the more I write, the more I want to hide myself.

My life has been fed up with With the ongoing worsen economic news and the ten thousand other things that are happening around me. Spending time alone with one person these days, to me, is a luxury item. Especially with me getting older and more mature, the idea of sharing life has risen. I have begun to intentionally stay away from crowds if not necessary. Perhaps that's the norm and attitude of many grown ups. These days, a good company after work become more valuable to me than anything. This gives me more relaxation and joy than if I go out with a large crowd.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy everyone of whom I called friends. The friendships that evolved made me part of who Kelvin is today. Yet, sharing life with a specific person is the ultimate goal - to be able to share and bond with someone emotionally. I do understand one thing that this is not something that can be rush into. This I learn :)

Being the first is never easy. There is not necessarily experience to learn from and we often time have to search in the dark. This is a scary experience, especially when there are options.

Being the first is rewarding. If the person is willing to take the risk and learn from it, the lesson that is learned is worth more than anything. Yet this takes a lot of courage to be the first pick.

Being the last creates anxiety. It glows worries. It tickles. Hypothetical questions continue to be asked. This is a very annoying because everything seems so uncertain, unpromising, and confusing.

Being the last practices patience. The longer the wait, the more patience is required. Even though we may not be able to resist the anxiety of "waiting," but like the old saying, "Good things come to those who wait."

In an ideal world, I want to be the first and the last. Is this the selfish me talking? Perhaps. But I strive for this because I care. No matter if I am the first or last, what's important is the lesson that is learned. I do so much for you because I care. I care about you. You rock my world. You've made me a better person, you brought out the best of me.

And I know you care about me too. Admit it!

Lately has been a change, somewhat of a big change. I spent less time for and with myself. Perhaps this is one way to deal with things that are confusing. To me, responsibility comes first... haha... responsible to take care the world is my nature...

I have not forgotten about you all or me... be patience with me. Soon I'll find my way. I've given myself a time...

I have... no more waiting... maybe...